You’ve been flying coach for ages and want a taste of glitz and glamour? Try these travel tips for an ultimate experience. However, before trying them please take a look at the legal disclaimer at the end of this post.
You are sick of that tasteless food, not comfy seat (43cm×70cm for chrissake!), stinky blanket and so on. Well, brace yourselves because you are still going to get stuck with all that. The only difference is that you’ll feel a little comfy compared to your fellow cabin inmates (let’s be honest you don’t deserve any upgrades)
You’ve been flying too sporadically (because you’re poor) to earn miles and get that business upgrade. You fly because it makes you feel like you’re part of the elite but flying coach was invented at a time mass production became mainstream, not to make flying accessible.
First things first, rich people don’t fly business class. The people you see in business class are, just like you. They are rude, gross, and think they own the place. That’s why you think you are entitled to fly business class too. It might seem to you like a basic human right, but with so much attitude in coach you should try PETA.com for the list of your rights.
You will never meet rich people, let alone be in the same confined space and breath the same air. Rich people fly private jets. Why bother getting delayed (m****f**** Air France!!!) when you can chose your takeoff and arrival time. You even get to chose your seat at no extra cost.
The ways of getting business class service in economy are not totally legal (that’s why there is a disclaimer) but have you seen what’s happening lately? Planes never reaching their final destination (MS804) or when they do reach their final destination they also crash at landing (Flydubai 981). The recent attacks in Istanbul on Atatürk Airport is the latest illustration that you might not have set a foot on a plane but still won’t make it safe home. We’ve reached this stage guys!
You don’t want to die without experiencing that business class service for the same price as a coach ticket!
A recent study has proved that 70% of the things you pack for your cabin luggage is useless. Pack efficiently! Get a comfy blanket in that bag instead of these clothes you won’t even be wearing. Pack a tupperware of home-made olives, brie and chorizo. Line it up on a toothpick. Half a dozen will do. Here you are first treats in the bag.
OK. So you’ve got a nice blanket, after takeoff snacks, all this will not make sense if you’re stuck with your coach tray. At least keep the cutlery for that slow cooked lamb shank you’ve read in Jamie Oliver’s magazine on page 15. Given the time it took you to cook before you left for the airport. What? That I’ve cooked? I thought i was getting business class service. I said business class experience. I didn’t say it was free of efforts. To experience it you’ll be doing all the work and it’s gonna pay off believe me.
I know what you’re thinking: by the time you’ve travelled to the airport, passed security check and finally took off it’s going to be full of salmonella (that’s not a dressing sauce you moron). But did you know you were allowed 2.5KG of dry ice as allowed cabin luggage? The check in lady always asks if you have liquid, aerosols and gels. But dry ice is an allowed dangerous item you can carry with you. So that’s how you’re gonna keep that lamb shank fresh until you reach cruising altitude (when the seatbelt sign goes off).
When you’re choosing your airline, take one preferably that is facing some difficulties. Take MH for example. After a few plane kerfuffle stories (plane crash or something) sales have dropped and you get the whole row in coach. That’s (43×70)×4! A full lie flat bed without getting a dime off your purse. Remember to ask the checkin lady for a seat at C. If someone is at F on your row just take off you shoes. The roquefort smell will make him change seat. (Are you offended? You’re poor remember, you can’t get offended).
You packed the olives, brie and chorizo in tupperwares. The lamb will be packed in an aluminium foil preferably because plane ovens aren’t the same as the microwave food you’re used to heat at home. Now to get it heated is another story. You will wait that service is preferably over to ask the crew to heat your meal (thats why the half dozen snack are made for, but if you’re fat you made 4 dozens of them, so it should keep you busy for some time)
It’s your third glass of champagne and you’re in a good mood. Champagne? In Coach? MH is facing a financial crisis they can’t be offering Laurent Perrier on board. Who said they were serving it. You’re just helping yourself from that bottle you bought at the duty free! The champagne got you smiling, you took the nice blanket on your back (most probably a fake burberry one) and ask the air hostess if they would be kind enough to heat the meal you prepared at home because you are gluten-dairy-free. Now the airhostess will tell you that you could have booked a gluten free or a vegan meal. That’s the moment you make a sad face and say you are allergic to nuts and can’t take risks so you prepared it yourself because nowadays every packaging is labelled MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF NUTS and you wouldn’t risk an anaphylactic shock on board although you know she is a well qualified first-aider.
The airhostess will
1) feel flattered
2) will appreciate that you didnt press the call button to make that request
3) that fake burberry blanket looks so real she thinks you’re a new rich trying to stay humble and still like the sense of belonging present in coach.
Yum yum. That Jamie Oliver slowly cooked lamb shank was a real treat. You can’t wait to tell your friends you flew business and had a chef serving Jamie Oliver on your flight.
Just like you got your fat arse off your seat for the airhosstess to heat your meal, you will do the same when it’s time to clear your tray. She will appreciate it. Make sure to check your teeth before you smile back. Last impressions count. If you made a good impression she might get you business class dessert. But if she is herself fat as you are, she already had two or ten (depending if she’s menstruating or the captain she’s dating had yet another affair with a younger and fresher newbie. The last one would explain a complete refusal to heat your meal however gluten/dairy/nut intolerant you are. But hey you got Laurent Perrier and snacks going on, so who cares.
Make sure to dispose of that empty bottle of who was it again? Loren Parey, Jean Meunier? You can’t remember because you’re too drunk) And that’s why you fly coach. Rich people don’t get drunk (at least not in public, thats why they fly private jets)
Dispose of it on the seat near the bloke who farted at least a zilliom times when you get out of the toilet on your way out.
If your plane made it to the next airport, you’ll know how it feels flying business and you’ll boast about it everywhere. If it didnt, you still experienced business class but you won’t have anyone to tell. The most important being that you tried it and it didn’t cost you the €6000 some airlines are charging.
When you think some people actually paid six grand for a trip they won’t even get off alive, you’re better off by far paying the tenth.
If you ever tried these please share your experience. If you’re reading this before the plane takes off have a happy flight in coach or in the cargo hold whichever class you chose to fly. Fly safe and have fun.
All figures used are from non verified sources.
Drinking alcohol from your bottle is not allowed on board.
Crew have the prerogative to control the amount of alcohol served.
You could face charges by the local authorities (customs and police)
You will have to hire a lawyer to get you out of custody and he might well charge you as much as the business class ticket. (Lawyers have got to pay that business class seat too don’t they).