BREXIT: The UK did not take a french leave

The UK has chosen to opt out of the European Union. But is it a bad thing?

This is how I see the Brexit: a couple with (irre)conciliable differences. But instead of seeking therapy, our couple decided to divorce. This is how most marriages are ending nowadays. At least having a pre-nup guarantees a smoother scission than marriages based on love, trust and faithfulness. Only to find out your partner cheated on you and you want to rip the other of all their wealth.

Who cheated with whom in the UK/EU marriage?

Clearly the UK is the bride. She is the one who initiated the divorce.

The UK has been claiming for long and very loudly that her EU husband has not been performing very well at work and in bed. She is the one who brings in more income, she works harder than he does. But she is paying more taxes than he is, and much of her income gets gnawed in the alimony he has to pay to all his previous marriages and the illegitimate children he had. Yes, she is paying the alimony for his stepkids.

This is not fair. And she decided it was time to leave this marriage which was at first convenient but proved far less advantageous than she thought.

Well this is not a bad thing. As all women, she can stand on her feet, only she was too much in love (love, that disease you catch when you’re young and naive but eventually fades out with time and maturity) to see it for herself. Now that she is single, she will be able to chose for herself and make decisions which suit her first. She won’t have to be nice to all the stepkids her EU husband had given a free key to their love-nest. Exit the kids from Poland and Slovakia. But who’s gonna fix your plumbing now ex-Mrs EU to be?

Jean Claude Juncker, the attorney in charge of the separation said it was “not an amicable divorce” but it had also not begun with an “intimate love affair”. At least the UK and the EU are honest about their relationship. It was not a love marriage. They were both seeking some advantages of each other but it came to a point where one was giving way too much while the other was resting on its laurels.

The UK is very proud and needs no coupons at the supermarket. She pays her excise duty in full and you can keep the change Mr the cashier.

The UK used to follow the laws of her then beloved husband although she did not agree with all of them. But when you’re young and in love you just commit without asking questions. With time, more and more (absurd) laws did not make sense anymore and she’s had it.

Which woman needs a man to dictate her the declaration of her Human Rights when she can draft her own Bill of Rights? It’s the same but it’s a woman thingy. Don’t try to understand.

Well ex-Mrs EU, you got married at a time you were young and vigorous. When you got married, it was for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part. You might have forgotten the antonyms to every single good deed that you promised to commit to decades ago. Marriage is not only about prosperity. There are hardships too.

Now that you’ve enjoyed all the benefits of moving freely throughout the borderless EU, no tariffs and customs charges, you don’t care about the kids who want the same benefits you’ve enjoyed. Now it’s up to them to pay for your retirement plan but without all the advantages which helped you buy a nice property in Dordogne.

Who needs a good cook of a husband when you are yourself a real cordon bleu. Your brother, is after all Gordon Ramsay. Who wouldn’t relish on baked beans as starters, fries with vinegar as your main course (marmite is the side) and jello for dessert? Yum yum.

OK. Leaving the EU did not happen overnight. Ex-Mrs EU did seek advice from friends and relatives. They were not experts but they did themselves take advice from The Sun or The Daily Mail which regularly printed bits and pieces of the office meetings Mr EU was having in Brussels. They read lengthy articles about “Maximum wattage of vacuum cleaners” and the right “amount of water used in toilet flush”. No doubt with such great advice ex-Mrs EU did made her mind quickly.

Brexit should not only mean leaving the EU for the social and economical benefits but also the diversity which it brought to the UK. You think you can stand on your feet alone. Then leave the tea, spices, ramen and everything which you took from everywhere else. Because if you want to leave, you have to got stand on your feet all alone and eat your fish and chips with HP sauce three times a day for the rest of your life.

I have visited my aunty UK many times thanks to my uncle EU. I will not miss my aunty UK that much. Afterall she was not always cheerful when I came in for a visit. I was always there for a short trip but she would always make me feel uninvited, like I wasn’t at home. Maybe she thought I wanted to settle at her place.

I tried to do a list of the things I will miss from aunty UK but only two things came out. Primark and Poundland. Apart from that, I can’t see anything I’m going to regret from aunty UK. Now that the UK is not part of the EU, I get to buy alcohol and pay the price for a non EU country in the duty free. Who said divorces did not end well? But I don’t know if getting my uncle EU a bottle of London dry gin is a good idea.

material from 

Vivienne Walt (Time)

Nicolas Ungemuth (Le Figaro)


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