Buckle up b*tch. The seat belt sign is on.

(2-34-5) During turbulence cabin crew must ensure that passengers are seated with their seatbelts fastened.

There wasn’t a better time to get off that seat and walk through the aisles staggering when the seatbelt is on and the plane is shaking. So here you are standing in front of me and I won’t let you in. Now I’m not the nice friendly cabin crew who’s been smiling since boarding. My nightclub-bouncer-face is on and I take my SEP very seriously.


Ladies and Gentlemen as we are now going through an area of turbulence please get back to your seat and fasten your seatbelt. You are kindly requested not to use the lavatories during the turbulence. Thank you.


What part of that announcement did you not understand that I need to translate it for you? I might just speak 3 european languages fluently but i can manage to say fasten and seatbelt in every fucking language where we fly to. Try me bitch. Try me.


Abroche el cinturón de seguridad!


Doe uw gordel om!


An Qushuan Dai!


Tache senti sekirite!


Schnallen sie sich an!


Apanee seet belt jakadana!


Attaccare tuo cinture!


Attachez votre ceinture de securité!


Anata no shītoberuto o shime!


Mengikat tali pinggang keledar anda!


Fasten your seatbelt!


You have no idea who woke up to get to work today. If you’re looking for the nice flight attendant you see on our adverts, chances are she’s a model. Not a cabin crew. She didn’t go through 7 weeks of training from 6 a.m to 4 p.m. She just smiled to the camera when the director said “Action! Cut! That’s a wrap everybody.” I get paid to smile and ensure safety. Welcome to my reality.

I get paid to smile and ensure safety.

No I won’t let you in even if you say please and and make a sad face. Jumping won’t help either. What if you pee on yourself? Sir, I sometimes don’t even have time to pee given how much time we’re left after you’ve made me run the New York marathon on that 12 h flight. Peeing is the least of my preoccupations when I come to work. I think you can hold on that pee a little longer. Don’t argue with me and get back to your seat.


But.

But what? You’re going to burst? I promise you’ll get escorted to the nearest hospital when we land. Reconstruction of your gall bladder free of charge. And you’ll get a private room with TV.


But.I really need to go.

Yes you really need to go back to your seat or I will have to treat you as an unruly passenger and handcuff you.


But. How long is it going to last?

Bitch, if i could predict shit like how long a random thing as a turbulence lasts I would be a fucking rich bookmaker who would have guessed that France would lose to Portugal 0-1 at the 2016 Euro final cup.


But, is there a chance you could escort me to the toilet? 

Sir, I am trained to evacuate a full seated aircraft in less than 90 seconds and do a cardio pulmonary resuscitation should the need rise. Escorts from Eastern Europe are “qualified” for different kind of evacuations and resuscitations. Don’t mix up apples and durians.


But.

Enough! If i gave you one million dollars right now. For how long would you be able to hold your pee? For how long? Answer me! Exactly what I thought. Now you go back to seat and fasten that motherfucking seat belt right now. And when you think you’re about to make it in your pants just think of that 1,000,000 fictitious dollars you’re going to make because you sat your fat ass for your own safety.


Great way to go parents. Sending your kid during the turbulence to the toilet because he wanted to vomit. And where do you think he spilled the rest of his half digested breakfast? Of course just in front of the door of the toilet. You couldn’t notice you had vomiting bags in the same seat pocket the safety instruction cards is located. You know that seat pocket in front of you we mentioned during the safety demo. The same one from which you noticed the inflight duty free magazine and asked if you could try that Ferrari watch at $128 for which you get 10% off. Yeah you noticed you get a discount when you spend more than $99. But you didn’t notice the vomiting bag. You were too busy playing Candy Crush on your phone because during the next 12 hours you would have had other things to do like sleep. Right, right. I totally understand of course.



A 7 year old. Seriously, you send a 7 year old to the toilet during a turbulence. It doesn’t matter to you if he bangs his head against the ceiling and sits in a wheelchair his whole life. You’ll live off his disability pension to finance your holidays.


When I woke up today I was so looking forward to clean half digested scrambled eggs off the floor. Why else would have I splashed myself with Miss Dior. Because I wanted nothing but the smell of your kid’s vomit to diffuse near the galley area. You know that tiny bit of space we’re left with after we’re done being your slaves. That’s where we eat and breath.



When I’ll get in my room I’m gonna spend the rest of my layover taking off Miss Vomit Pungent from my hair. 

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