Minimum unrest

As a cabin crew you get to see the world, meet amazing people, taste various cuisine. Your office is in the sky. Your home is a five star hotel.

Said like that it sounds amazing. But the truth is once you get off the flight you will barely have the energy to want to see the world. You will have seen the worst of your passengers you won’t even want to meet people, including your family. How can you taste various cuisine when your meal allowance covers only the kiddies portion? By the time the room service will have arrived you’ll be so deep in a coma sleep, a fire alarm won’t get you out of that comfortable shape memorizing bed. That’s why your cabin bag will be stuffed with cup noodles. The only food your stomach will be accepting to digest post flight.

Airlines are obsessed with being profitable and optimizing the cost of their aircrafts. Cabin crew members are a cost. And to make an efficient use of their skills to handle our dear disg-ustomers, they are provided with five star hotels rooms, queen size beds, air conditioning, wake up calls, 24h room service and minimum rests.

You thought you were flying to Nairobi for a safari? Wrong. In Egypt to see the pyramids? Wrong. In Rome to see the Coloseum? Wrong. In Paris to see the Eiffel Tower? Wrong. In New Zealand to visit the set of Bilbo the hobbit? Wrong. In Rio to see Christ the Redeemer? Wrong. In Malta to do some snorkelling? Wrong. All wrong. You are paid to sleep. Period. Rest your dead body for the next duty which is scheduled for as long as your previous flight.

That’s what minimum rests are meant for. You arrive at your hotel, you get your bed, you are entitled to sleep for the same number of hours as your previous flight and fly again for the same number of hours that you’ve just been generously allowed to sleep. Still confused?

You landed in Hong Kong at 10 A.M local time. That was a 10 hour flight, you’ll get your room keys at 12h00. Your wakeup call will be scheduled at 22h30. Yes, of the same day. The return flight will be scheduled to depart at 01h30. That’s two hours after you had your wake up call. You picture it now?

Minimum rests are totally legal. They have been thought, designed and set up by people who sit at a desk and understand the effects of fatigue, sleep deprivation and altitude on the human body. They have studied in college mind you. If you feel you have enough IQ to make great decisions like how much rest human beings who have worked their arse off a red eye flight should be allowed, send your CV to the civil aviation of your country. Great minds meet there.

Who else could be experienced enough to decide how much rest people working at 39 000 feet, deprived of sleep and faced with evacuation emergencies than people who sit at their office desk playing more than realistic flight simulators?

How can I not want to see the world, meet incredible people, taste their great cuisine when I have 36 000 seconds to do so? You have got to have a misantropic-evil-dormant-murderer within yourself not to be willing to go out there and see the beauty of the world. Did I mention you will land in a time zone where people are having lunch while your biological clock is snoozing for 10 more minutes of sleep?

There are two types of cabin crews and they are both not human. The first ones are superhuman and that’s a fact. These bitches will make the most of these 10 hours of rest, shopping as if it were the last 10 hours they had in their life. The perfect reason behind is because they are actively participating to the economic growth of their host country. Charity does not begin at home but abroad. If cabin crews stopped shopping on their minimum rest can you imagine what would Wall Street be today with a second economic recession. All that because these on command slaves decided they’d rather sleep instead of getting that useless art deco vase they’ll exchange for the next tribal vase they’ll see during their next minimum rest.

The second type of cabin crew is also a superhuman. Thats because these one can sleep 10 straight hours until their wakeup call. They fall in a sleeping beauty mode that only the power of a telephone ring from the switchboard operator can awake. Some might need a reminder wakeup call just in case they fall asleep again. Others might need three knock on the door after the first two wakeup calls. That’s because sleep is like a drug. Each time you shoot yourself with some sleep, you increase the dose a little more. And when it’s too late you realise sleep is as addictive as crack. Except you look more or less the same after sleeping 10 hours (thanks to the power of makeup) compared to someone who is on crack. But just because they had 10 hours sleep doesn’t mean they’ll be in a better mood than those who haven’t slept. So fuck off with your glass of water at boarding.

Airlines seek to cut layovers because if a same crew operate both flights, thats less flying hours and less meal allowances to pay. The big brains at the Civil Aviation are coming up with cabin crewless flights. No cabin crew, no meal allowances, no flying hours. Your flight ticket might cost half less. Yay!

Anyway, you never watch the safety demo, fasten seatbelts during turbulence and occasionally light a cig in the lavatories. To hell the cabin crew. If you want a glass of water you can well get on your feet instead of pressing the call button if that will help you cut the price of your air tickets. That’s not the kind of emergency cabin crews were trained for in the first place.


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