You should become a cabin crew. To see the world, meet people, taste amazing cuisine, experience different cultures.

This is what I thought life would be, only life as a cabin crew is like a packet of cigarette. It might well say SMOKING KILLS but you’ll still find people buying and smoking it.

Today I’ll be giving you an insight about being a deadhead.

A deadhead is a cabin crew who is travelling but not actively working. So, you count as dead. Excuse me but last time I checked I was still breathing, my tastebuds didn’t recognise the disgusting scrambled eggs but an egg soup. When I rolled my eyes I could see the inside of my skull’s cavity. I did smell people’s farts and my pores are tight shut to keep my body warm because its fucking cold on that plane. All my senses are working and I’m fully alive.

As a deadhead you will be travelling to complete a duty later during the day/ night or you have completed a previous duty and are going home.

What a great word to qualify your staff: deadhead. I don’t know about you but calling someone who is working a dead-head. Although the cabin crew is not actively working, it still counts as work. It’s not a holiday. We don’t get to act as attention seekers like the rest of the passengers. We’re not here to complain that the seat is not comfortable or that the inflight entertainment system is not working and we want a full refund. No it doesn’t work that way when you’re a deadhead. As a deadhead you don’t exist. Keep quiet. Don’t ask for anything. You’re just a passenger like the rest of them.

As a cabin crew you don’t have much importance since people treat you like shit. But as a deadhead it’s even worse. The operating crew knows you’re a deadhead. They’re actually jealous that you get to sit while they’re working. They greet you with their fake ass smile. They’re actually pissed because they don’t know you and since you’re not one of the operating crew they have to work according to procedures. Just in case you’re a little Judas. Bitch I’m not even fully awake, you think I’m going to report you to the office because your tea jug was not perpendicular to the x-axis of your apple juice. I got bigger issues to solve this month. 

Deadhead. You are actually dead by the end of the day. This can be a very long day before you start your duty and sitting on this seat is very uncomfortable. And you can’t even sleep because someone seated next to you is farting all the hundred years egg they ate at the chinese new year’s festival.

You want to pee?Buckle up during turbulence like the rest of the passengers. You’re not a working crew so you have to sit down and stretch that bladder like you’re already used to anyway.

Deadhead. You wished you were dead because your colleague is also a deadhead and when you checked in she asked if she could be seated next to you. She thought you were going to bond and be the new Serena and Blair of the upper deck side. Everything she says irritates your ears and although you’re wearing headphones she doesn’t get the message. It’s the international language for don’t talk to me. What’s the sign language for that. Yes middle finger.

Why do you want to know where I’m flying next. We’re not going to swap flights so we can be together. I’m not going out with you if we were on a layover. If I saw you somewhere I’d just pretend I don’t know you. We are deadheads. Can’t your head be dead?

Deadhead. Cabin crew. There’s no difference. If the plane crashes you’re not even on the victims list. Only passengers are. You as a person who has been working your ass off pushing that damn trolley up and down the aisles and cleaning all this vomit when the vomiting bag was in your seat pocket simply do not count. Only those who paid do. You’re another meaningless head among more valuable ones. You’ve been pronounced dead before your actual death time. I couldn’t be more motivated when I came to work today.

It has been such a horrible day. I head straight to the duty free after landing. I need at least three bottles of Möet & Chandon. There’s nothing like 10% off with your crew card and some bubbles to make you feel alive again.

P.S thank you Saira for standing me up last minute. The first officer had me have a tour of Hong Kong bay from which he is a native. They say it’s the year of the monkey, but girl, he showed me it was the year of the dragon if you see what I mean. Hope you had fun with Paris on strike. 


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