SPMLs (special meals)

You’ve ordered a special meal but for whatever reason it is not on board. As you can see, on the passenger list there is no special meal next to your name. Seat 16 F for fucker of the day. Of course yelling repeatedly at the cabin crew that you ordered it will make it appear immediately. If you yell even louder the cabin crew might actually care that you won’t have anything to eat. Just kidding. I don’t care if you’re starving. People are dying everyday. Who cares if a nervous wreck like you actually freed the earth of one spot. Sayonara bitch!

Yes, I get it you ordered a special meal, because you are indeed a special person. But where on earth do you eat a diabetic-vegetarian-halal-kosher-gluten-free-low-calories-lactose-intolerant-low-salt-bland-jain meal? Where?? Where bitch??

Surely after you booked your ticket we immediately hired a cook who specialises in that kind of cuisine for a plane catering when your travel agent sent us that very usual request. We get such inquiries so often we decided to put a menu online. You get to chose your own meal combination as if you were at Subway. Only 927 612 meal options available on a 6 hour flight with 251 passengers. Hey, if we can’t serve you that with 10 cabin crews on board, we’re closing down. Thats our promise to you beloved passenger.

You voluntarily got on board a metallic tube flying at 40 000 feet with chances of crashing. Either in the sea or any remote location where none of your special needs might actually be satisfied. Maybe you should condition yourself to that possibility. How about when we close the aircraft door?

Scenario one. We just crashed in the sea. We’re in the life raft. And help won’t come before one week. If you say you are a diabetic-vegetarian-halal-kosher-gluten-free-low-calories-lactose-intolerant-low-salt-bland-jain person, I will throw you out of that raft. And believe me sharks won’t ask if you’re nut free. They take their meal as they get it. Specially if its bloody like you.

Scenario two. We crashed on an island. And the only food available is the only one you don’t eat. You’re lactose intolerant, there’s only milk. You’re vegetarian, there’s only meat. You’re jain, there’s only roots. You’re halal, there’s only pig. You’re fat, there’s only high calories. You’re gluten free, there’s only wheat. How do you survive? Now you wish you didn’t survive that plane crash don’t you. Where is the cabin crew for you to yell at on that island? Because surely s/he’s to blame.

You have food allergies which include salt, pepper, rice, potato, pea, carrot, tomato, chicken, fish, lamb, beef, apple, orange and anything served on an airplane. Did you consider swimming to reach your destination? Or maybe walking. I’d start walking now if I were you.

Wait, wait, wait. If you are allergic to so many items, how on earth are you still alive? Yes I get it.

You’re the kind of person who wakes up and think how are you going to mess up other people’s lives. You invent yourself some new food disorders after you watched something on TV. I bet you’re the kind of vegetarian that goes  in a restaurant and expect the food not to have been in contact with meat. You are the kind of vegetarian allergic to raw onions because they make you swell. I hope you swell and explode. Because you’re an ass eater. You eat people’s ass all the time. You’re a blood sucker. You eat people alive. You’re not human. You lick your fingers after you’ve sucked the juice from their brain. You never get enough don’t you.

You won’t fly with us again. Please do. But can I have your miles since you won’t be using them?

Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and loads of sarcasm.


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