-911 what’s your emergency?
OK. It happens. Your arm accidentally presses the flight attendant call button out of the 15 other buttons on that fucking remote. It also happens that when you look for the reading light you coincidentally press on the flight attendant call button a dozen times. You know, that one with an icon representing a flight attendant similar to the light bulb icon right next to it. I agree it is so confusing.
So confusing you can’t keep pressing that same one although you see the light doesn’t go on or off. You keep pressing it until someone comes and you give me that stupid look like you don’t know what the hell just happened.
OK. You got it now. That small icon was for me. So you just press it one more time. It can’t be a mistake. The light is on and you got that stupid look on your face again. When I hear the bell ring I can’t feel more ecstatic. This is the call I’ve been waiting for all my life.
First thought: medical emergency. I assess your condition and try to recognise the symptoms of the medical emergency which are just happening.
- No wheezing sound, that can’t be asthma.
- No difficulty in breathing, not choking.
- No cramping of the chest for more than a minute, not an angina pectoris.
- No tingling spreading from neck to jaw and shoulder, not a heart attack.
- No pain and swollen leg, not a deep vein thrombosis.
- No loss of bodily fluids, not a hypovolaemic shock.
- No broken water, not in labour.
What could be that medical emergency then? Ive been through 8 weeks of tough training. I should be able to conduct a primary survey within seconds, because each one counts.
Think! Think! Think!
Stupid look on your face.
Sitting for a long period.
I get it now. You’re in the early stages of gownopnot.
Glass Of Water. No please. No thanks.
How could I have not recognised it earlier!
Cabin crews are trained for emergencies such as a glass of water. That call button is specifically for people who might be so incapacitated that they need to press the on board 911. Or at least the person next to them could press it for them should they require ice cubes with their diet coke.
Coke with ice doesn’t sound as important as hyperventilation, hypoxia or an anaphylactic shock. But thirst is. Many people are dying everywhere, everyday around the world due to the lack of clean water. And here you are pressing the call button because you can’t get off your seat while people walk miles to quench their thirst.
The call button goes on again. But this time I can’t grant you another wish Aladdin. The third time you summoned me was the last time I could grant you a wish. Now I’m going to switch off your call and let you die from your heart attack.
That article in cosmo on how to dress expensive while being on a budget is so much more exciting. I’m flying to Shanghai next week and I might get a few high copy Gucci belts, Hermes scarves and Kate Spade handbags from the fake markets.
Don’t worry, I’ll get you a wheelchair at landing. You couldn’t walk to the galley when you were alive. I understand you won’t be in a position to walk while being dead.
Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and lots of sarcasm.