Snakes on a plane

Nothing in a movie is real. They are actors, there are special effects, everything in the scenario seems so absurd. That’s why it’s called a movie. But when you get actual snakes on a plane. Trust me you’d wish you were in a movie right now. Because you know how the movie ends. With real snakes on board, better find a happy end to your scenario, and quickly!

You board the plane. You take off. You cruise. There’s a meal and drinks. That’s how we all expect flights to be. But when you least expect it. They are here. They crawl under your seat. You feel it’s cold viscous skin slither between your legs. There is no way you can escape these vile creatures. They’re worse than in any horror movies. They’re here and you’re stuck with them at 40 000 feet until the plane lands or crashes… They’re the most deadly species of snake. They don’t have fangs but their saliva is deadlier than any venom because it contains more bacteria than Komodo dragons. They are called: babies.

Babies on a plane. 

They are ugly, they yell, they cry, they fart, they smell. They make your flight horrible. That’s the one thing your travel agent (voluntarily) forgot to mention when you purchased your ticket. That you’ll get them on the way in and on the way back. 

You wish you could strangle their little neck because that’s the only way you can shut them up. But you can’t because

they’re not yours. 


“Enough is enough. I’ve have had it with these motherfucking babies on this motherfucking plane. Everybody strap in. I’m about to blow some fucking windows.”

But that’s only in movies. In real life you can only throw glaring judgemental looks at the mother who chose to fly for 12 hours alone with an infant or two in her arms. That same mother who thought bringing her whole nursery would help quiet a yelling baby. When we all know infants like to play with shiny kitchenwares. Pack a 14 inch razor sharp knife in your bag. At least your baby would have stabbed itself within the first hours and we could have managed some sleep in the cabin.

You need a break. I get it. But what for does a baby need a break from? It’s going to be the same baby throughout your holiday. Yelling, and smelling. People chose to escape from real life while you thought about dragging that nightmare with you. There should be a fine for that. Or the airline should double my miles for the discomfort experienced. 

Bringing a baby on board. Couldn’t you check it in the hold like the others did with their pets. I’m not a mother and I’m already having symptoms of baby blues. I’m about to choke your baby until it becomes smurf blue.

Advice: if you bring one of these snakes on board a plane, mix one parts of whisky to two parts of milk. Or close your legs. If it’s too hard to achieve the first two, offer noise cancellation headphones to the whole flight. That’s the least you can do when you ruin people’s holidays. What did you expect? There’s a price to everything. Silence is the most expensive item I own and I value it very dearly.


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