safety demo

The safety demo is not a YouTube advert that you can skip. When you’re on a plane you wish you could mute that damn safety demo, minimise the window, look somwhere else just so you don’t feel compelled to buy the latest peep toe ankle boots in denim on zalando or that boohoo lace plunge body suit. But you clicked on the missguided link and spend yet another 100 bucks or two when you thought you’d be saving 35% on free delivery. 

Here’s the real deal with the safety demo. We cabin crews don’t like it either. We stand in front of a bunch of dummies (you) giving (us) judgemental glares because the only sin we committed was looking fucking good. It’s not our fault we’ve got Gisele B√ľndchen-Ipanema long legs. Jaques Dessange french buned hair, glowing coco vita moisturized skin, YSL rouge couture lips, Victoria’s Secret waistline and smell Kelly Caleche hermes fresh. I woke up like that.

We get it. You don’t. The safety demo is a fashion show. When you get to sit the front row. You get your eyes off your ipad, and pay attention. Anna Wintour might disagree with the latest Nicholas Gheshquier spring collection but she’ll still watch the goddamn show. When you’re invited to the event which will save your life, so do you. Just fucking watch it. Kris Jenner was at the second row this year and she still watched it. You have no excuse.

Yes you’re a frequent flyer and know how to buckle and unbuckle the belt. Yes you’re familiar with the exits and surely can find your way with the photoluminescent strips eyes wide shut. Yes you know the the floating device is under your seat. Yes you know, yes you know. I know everything too. But I don’t get to skip recurrent training every year so neither will you skip the safety demo however zillion miles you have on your sapphire-emerald-onyx-platinum frequent flyer card. 

First time travellers don’t get to FFWD the safety demo either. You’ve had enough time to say goodbye to everybody before you boarded the plane. Don’t pretend you want to say goodbye to the same loved ones you’ve wished had died when they disagreed with you. When you talk on your phone you distract other people who pay attention to the one frame that could help them have an alternative ending to Final Destination. Neither of us want of a sequel of that. So shut the fuck up and put your phone on flight mode. That same flight mode we’ve been talking about in the safety demo. You know, the one you brag you’ve watched too many times. Maybe you could listen to it for real for once.

Ladies and Gentlemen there has been a situation and we are about to ditch. Brace for impact.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,

OPEN SEATBELTS,

PUT ON LIFE JACKETS,

EVACUATE, COME THIS WAY,

INFLATE LIFE JACKETS,

GET OUT, JUMP!

I finally get to use it! That one line I thought we learned just to make us pretend we were doing something else besides you treating us like shit. Yay! I’m so excited. I lifted the lever and joop! Here’s the slide.

Now what’s this mess??? Some of you are already dead because you didn’t do the right brace position. Everybody’s shrieking, taking off hand luggage off the overhead compartments,  some can’t unbuckle their belts, why have you inflated your life jacket inside the plane moron? Running to the back when the closest exit is just 2 rows from where you were seated is not a very smart move. The evacution process should take 90 seconds.

What’s this kerfuffle blokes?? Has nobody watched the safety demo?? Oh right you had your eye mask and ear plugs on. Don’t worry, that will be the reason you died. I’ll tell the coroner to write it on your death certificate. Drowning due to suffocation due to dumbness. What will be your very last word so we can carve it on your tombstone?
I’ve had it. I’m not pointing at the exits again. We all want Elvis to come back but not all of our wishes come true. The safety demo covered all that topic at the beginning of the flight. 

All for one and one for all? Very funny. That’s quite ironic I get to laugh at your joke now when you thought all I was doing in the first place was a standup gig for comedy central. Well, I’m more of a every man for himself and the devil takes the hindmost. And we know there’s a lot of hindmost he’s going to take to hell today.

If you want to know how to get out of the plane, everything’s on the safety instruction card. To find it, replay the safety demo. I have no clue how to rewind it but I don’t bother because I’m already in the life raft. Sayonara, bitch!

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