The Maleficient Cabin Crew

When you think of a flight attendant you picture her as sleek, slender and sublime. She is THE fantasy. High heeled shiny pumps, french manicure, flawless makeup, kitty eyeliner, her lips are russian red. A tornado wouldn’t move her well fixed bun to her glamorous hat.

Her waist is as slim as an onion ring, her legs as long as bamboo chopsticks.The airport is her catwalk and that instant she locks eyes with you, you’re the happiest man in the world. If you’re a woman you envy her. If you’re a little girl you worship her. You want to be her. A thrill, goosebumps, jealousy, a boner. Whatever the feeling, she triggers a reaction. She radiates. You feel lousy.

While you spent thousands on night creams and botox, they look young and fresh effortlessly. Those bitches. What’s their secret? Flying? Altitude?

Sadly not all flight attendants fit the description. Just like a mirror loses its silvering, she lost her sparkle. Sleepless nights gave her dark circles so big you would think she’s an endangered panda. Her face looks as bad as a stale raisin bread no pastry cook could fix. Even the best plastic surgeon from L.A said he wouldn’t dare touch her. 

Her mascara is so smudged it looks like a car left the marks on her eyelid. I can still hear the car’s tyres screech every time I close my eyes. Her lips are chapped from the plane’s AC but that’s not an excuse. She tries to hide her receding skull with her hat and a fringe but only a full lace front could fix that but that’s not even sure.

She’s not curvy. She’s not a plus size woman. She might blame it on the two kids she had 20 years ago or on the years of seniority. But truth is her summer body gave way to so much fat you would think a hippo escaped from the zoo. 

That’s what plane food, soda and leftovers from business class canapés, cheese platters and desserts do to the body. If you want a better picture, think about a less (a little more, some more, some more, that’s it) pretty version of Fiona pointing at the exits during the safety demo. That’s what she would look like. Except Fiona would still get laid by Shrek. A pilot told me he’d prefer to mate with an orangutan if he had to repopulate the planet in the eventuality she was the only woman left on earth.

She’s not ugly. She’s fugly as in fucking ugly. Not only is she fugly but she is vile, vicious and spits venom deadlier than a rattlesnake. If you think that post is mean. I’m an angel. She’s not just a bitch. She’s a bwitch. She’s all the Disney villains in one person. And if you’re stuck with her on a single aisled plane, you’ll pray for the captain to ditch within minutes after the seatbelt sign has been switched off. That would explain MH 370.

To all those who wish to be a flight attendant. Just be careful what wish for because you just might get it. Except from time to time you’ll meet an Ursula/Maleficient/Grimhilde/Lady Tremaine/ Madame Medusa all in one person who wakes up purposefully with her left foot and her morning routine consists of getting stung by a swarm of wasps. 

Can you handle it?

Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and lots of sarcasm.


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