Ladies and Gentlemen, please feel unwelcomed on board this flight, destination unknown. Or get the fuck out of my plane if youre unhappy about it.
The flight time today will be, who gives a fucks hours and holy shit minutes.
The captain of this flight didn’t call me back so I sent his wife some pictures that will increase this year’s divorce rate.
This is a non smoking flight, so don’t ask dumb questions that will send my head fuming. The fire extinguishers have already expired and we haven’t purchased new ones. Instead we spent our profits on litres of Eau de Chanel to be sprayed in the cabin after a crash to cover up the smell of your burnt corpses. To distinguish the dead bodies from the paupers in coach, our beloved business class passengers will be sprayed with Joy by Jean Patou.
The seatbelt on both sides of your seat are meant to be buckled at all times. This means for the full duration of the flight. Don’t think about getting off your seat, don’t even think about streching your legs in the galley area . Our cabin crews haven’t been vaccinated and we really want to spare you from catching rabies.
In the event of a cabin decompression oxygen masks will fall in front of you. To release the oxygen, dial the 3 digit code at the back of your credit card. Do not forget to upload your bank details while we are still on the ground because once in the air it will be too late and we won’t feel sorry. At all.
In case of water landing, the flotation device will be the person seated next to you. Don’t worry, even the morbidly obese will float according to the laws of physics. If they haven’t died from food poisoning, freezing cabin temperature or smelling my toxic farts we would encourage you to kill them with the cord of their own oxygen mask. Please watch the Inflight Entertainement for 98 other subtle ways to kill someone on a plane. You may start bonding with your flotation device after this announcement.
The emergency exits are located wherever you see “EXIT” signs. If you’re illiterate as fuck that’s too bad for you. You should review your prorities in life because we all know reading is fundamental.
Don’t count on the photoluminescent strips to guide you to the EXITS, these shit never work. A precorded voice will tell you if you’re close to your exit by saying “Hot” and “Cold”. When you reach your exit, lift the lever and wait for the life raft to inflate. If it doesn’t inflate you’re fucked up. If you’re still alive by then, please use any of them except the two in the back because we’re saving them for the crew.
If you want to listen to this safety announcement once again, it is available on iTunes for $ 99.99. Do we have your attention now motherfucker?