Etiquette

Good morning, Welcome on board, Please, Thank you.

These are not filling words like ja and doch in german which have a cosmetic function. These are the basic rules we all learn at one time or the other of life. Specially as a toddler. 

Do you remember when your mum or an uncle used to wait for you to end up your sentence by those polite words if you wanted to get something? And when you said it they’d be so proud of you like you had just been admitted to Harvard? Why is it that when you get on airplane you forget all the things you learnt back then?

Manners are not an option when you travel. A thank you in First weights as much as a a thank you in Coach. Being courteous is not something you take off your checked in luggage because you want to skip the extra charges. The only items that will not pass the security screening are liquids, aerosols and gels above 100 ml. Go back through your memory and recall all the polite formulas you’ve learnt throughout your life while you wait to board the plane. I will not admit a single motherfucker who sticks his boarding pass in my face and asks where’s their seat without answering my greeting.

Also, travelling means sharing your space with others. You might feel at home but don’t get too comfy. We don’t want to see you scratching, smelling after scratching or eating whatever you’ve harvested from any of your body parts like Joachim Löwe during the worldcup. 

If you usually pop your boyfriend’s pimples or gnaw your toe nails at home this is not an acceptable behaviour, not because this is not a spa. But this not an animal documentary for National Geographic either. Thats why we call it a plane. We carry people in it. As far as I can remember we’re one of the species who have manners. So behave!

I know it sounds difficult because you’re not used to it but if we could find water on mars it shouldn’t be that hard.

We don’t expect it to sound like “Please could I please have one beverage made of two parts of hydrogen with one part of oxygen to quench the thirst that I feel in my oesophagus, the one which is served in a glass made of plastic, please?” 

You would surely have saved your life in Korea if you were part of Kim Jong-Un’s staff but I would mostly probably have emptied the content of my fire extinguisher in your face. A casual “can I” and “please” are more than enough not just “water”. 

We know we’re here for some service. But we’re not your serfs. To hell manners. If it’s too hard sticking up simple savoir-vivre notions for you, we still have a solution. You’re a proud caveman. Who are we and why should we impose you to behave? What authority do we have to claim such insane demands? You were born a free man and we respect that.

Please make your way to the hold, because this is were you belong. 

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