We do not guarantee a nut free environment for a simple reason. If we had to guarantee every motherfucker on board that we were whatever his allergy free, your return fare would be so high, you would never be able to fly. 

Let’s be honest, airlines are not here to care about your health. If they did, the food they serve you wouldn’t be so disgustingly gross in the first place. Airlines try to adapt to your dietary needs although they seem rather superfluous at 40 000 feet. Whether you require a LSML (low salt meal), a BLML (bland meal) or a DBML (diabetic meal) to me they sound as pointless as people who insist that airlines satisfy their religious no beef, no pork, no scaless fish restrictions. To hell with that. People are dying of hunger everyday and you get to be allergic to food?

For fuck’s sake, you’re travelling by a means of transport which has enough kerosene to blow up a whole city. And you think it’s a constitutional right to insist that your meal is free from a list of allergens as broad as the list of food items itself. Why not be allergic to air then, or water?  I’m allergic to motherfuckers like you. But guess what, my airline doesn’t guarantee a motherfucker free environment either. So suck it up with your attention seeking for the rest of the flight.

I understand that we don’t have the same basic needs but allergies are a luxury I cannot afford.

When you shop at H&M or Mango why don’t ask to the salesperson if there are traces of wool or polyester in your top tank or pencil skirt? Simply because if you don’t wear polyester or wool you stay away from places where you might be in contact with them. So if you don’t want to be in contact with nuts I would suggest you to start digging six feet under the surface of the earth. Make sure the casket is not made of walnut tree.

If you have allergies, then maybe you shouldn’t travel. Or if you want to travel, how about you carry your own allergy free food. We were in the same queue at the airport’s McDonalds. I never heard you ask if the chicken nuggets were nut free. Why do you ask that dumb question to my face on the plane? 

I have no idea what your travel agency told, sworn or confirmed with you but my final word on it is NO. We are not a nut free environment and you’re the one driving me nuts at the moment.

Ladies and gentlemen we are about to start the meal service. We would appreciate if you would please put your seat upright and unfold your tray table. Our menu today offers a choice of cashew chicken in soy sauce with rice or almond and lemon fish fillet with spinach. Accompanied by an avocado, pancetta, pine nut salad and caramel pecan tart. Make sure to have your epinephrine handy. 

Did you make your choice?

Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and load of sarcasm.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s