I have never been more insincere than when I pronounce the two words “I apologise”.

An apology is an acknowledgement of having done something wrong or hurting someone. But I did nothing wrong. Why should I be the one to apologise?

Your flight was delayed. You will reach your final destination later, probably miss your connecting flight. And that warrants an apology from me because? In case you didn’t notice. We are on the same plane and I’m getting delayed too. Just as you are. Who do you think apologises to me when my feet have to bear the weight of my dead body longer than the scheduled time? If in the minute that followed I could levitate that 400 seater in the air by the power of my mind, I would rightfully and sincerely apologise to you because my telekinetic capacities would have let you down at that very moment. But you see I have no influence on the slot allocated to the plane, I do not get clearance from the control tower for take off nor have I any influence on the technical issues which occur during the slot allocated by the control tower for take off. I will not apologise for this.

You didn’t get to chose between chicken or fish? What an obvious reason to start a drama at thirty thousand feet. Whether you’re flying for the first time or you’re a frequent flyer, let’s get this straight. A plane is a confined space with limits. The crew will not get you a vegetarian or guarantee that your meal is free from any allergy you have on ground. Once in the air there is nothing we can serve you except glares or attitude because you are the Prince from Zakamunda or you’re daddy’s little Princess. This shit does not work here. If bears can stock fat before winter because they know it’ll be hard to get food, so should you before you board the plane. I will not apologise for this.

Your screen is not working properly? How sad that you can’t watch a year old IMAX movie on a 5 inch screen with the sound quality to give a deaf reasons to stay deaf. Yes I get that you paid for some entertainment on a 12 hour flight. But if I get you another seat and you don’t want to move because you can’t be seated with your whole squad. Then why is that my problem? I fixed your problem. If you’re not happy about it then travel with your fucking tablet like the rest of us. I will not apologise for this.

Customs took your duty free because it wasn’t sealed? Time to start those AA meetings. Your family died? We all do at some point. Don’t like to be seated near the lavatory? I will remove the lavatory, but if you ask me where you can poop I will remove your anus too. Not seated with your loved one? Then its time to take a break from each other and see if your love can survive a 30 minutes flight. I will not apologise for any of the drama you have in your shitty boring little life. 

But if it can keep your brat ass grown mouth shut then on behalf of my airline I would like to present to you their warmest apologies for taking your money and providing you with crap. I would like to apologise on their behalf once again that you keep coming back to us because you know you won’t get better for the price you’re willing to pay. 

Did you think about redeeming the number of apologies you’ve accumulated lately? Go on! You won’t get a departure on time-we do not guarantee what’s in the hand of the Almighty. Who knows, you could end up with all the fucks we give about you. We mean business and all we want is your money. And all you’ll get for that price are apologies. 

Ladies and gentlemen we have just crashed. We would like to apologise for any discomfort you have experienced during your dismemberment. Please leave all your body parts scattered. We shall collect them shortly. We regret to inform you that you won’t be flying with us anymore but we truly apologise for this situation. Rest in peace and have a safe trip to heaven or hell. Goodbye and thank you.


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