Headaches (weed?) I feel drowsy and thirsty. I open my eyes and immediately feel dizzy (ice is a one go only). I try to figure out where I am but can’t concentrate at all. (coke?) 

My mouth is dry as if I walked in the desert for a calendar month. I slept 12 straight hours but still feel fatigued. (I should stop that excedrin) It’s coming. I can’t control it but I’m having gastrointestinal distress: vomiting or bowel movement or both? Rush to the loo. Head first in the toilet bowl, push my hair back.  

My heart is racing and I’m sweating as if I had a 30 minutes cardio workout in 10 seconds (amphetamines?). Did a hummer drive over my face because my jaw feels dislocated or did my teeth grind like every other nite? GHB can’t be harmful. My level of hyperexcitability (MDMA?) hits new highs but depression appears within seconds. (Adderall?). 

Everything around me including myself makes me nauseous. Nothing worse could happen at this moment but I’m having another panic attack. Breath in breath out. Everything will be fine. All I need is a glass of wine.

I promise for the

umpteenth time I will never do drugs again or smoke or drink. But if vodka isn’t alcohol in Russia why should wine be?

All these symptoms are real. You want to get the same feeling but you’re too scared of needles?

You don’t have to do drugs. If you want to be that hangover like you partied all night and pass out with no recollection of the previous nite. I have a tip for you.

Apply for a cabin crew job. You’ll get hypoxia high and also be the cleanest junkie in the world. 

You thought your cabin crew woke up grumpy, irritable and unfriendly? Not at all. All flight attendants are sweet and nice and helpful.

Hypoxia not only deprives your flight attendant’s brain from oxygen but a secondary effect turns them into empty shells with multiple personality disorder, OCD, ADHD and bipolar behaviour. 

The intensity of these symptoms will vary not only according to the level of decompression in the cabin. But your attitude will also influence your FA’s mood. Please don’t piss them off. 

You don’t have to visit the coffee shops in Amsterdam for some candy coated mushroom. Hypoxia will get you euphoric with no bad trips.

What’s the deal? No overdose. Only flying is the true addiction.

Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and loads of sarcasm.

image may be subject to copyright source: www.americanflyers.net


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