I’ve wanted to be a flight attendant to meet amazing people, taste different cuisine, escape the monotony of office hours, experience different cultures. It is true I do all these things. Only I can’t remember any of it. If my name wasn’t on my name tag, I’d have to look on the crew list and proceed by elimination to know who I am.
After a flight, when I wake up in that hotel bed or at home, it takes me at least 2 minutes to do a review to remember. Not only a review of where I am, but also who am I.
Passengers treat the crew as if they were not their equal but as serfs here to open the overheadbins and take out their bags while they are comfortably seated. Why am I complaining. Thats what crew are meant for isnt it?
We’re here to answer call bells because you want to know where is the lavatory (no kidding) or pick up your gum which ran out of flavour after so much chewing (still not kidding).
I open my eyes. Who am I? I remember one of the last things I did was sermon a mother about the importance of her 3 years old wearing the seatbelt before landing. She wouldn’t listen because her child was crying. If his crying sounds more important than his safety. Please go on. Who am I to question your parenting? I am just a flight attendant aware that the brakes of the plane could cause serious injury if your child falls off his seat. Just a flight attendant.
Not only the passengers can be rude. Even the crew also. Teamwork you thought. More like sharks in the amiotic liquid. The first one to hatch eats the rest. You thought we were a sorority doing each other’s hair bun, and sharing our liquid liners, bursting into guffaws because of a funny anecdocte. Wrong. The newest is most likely to suffer the wrath of the eldest. Just because she’s the freshest. The problem with my lipstick is that it doesn’t match the colour of my nails. They’re both red. But if one is russian red and the latter carmine. It won’t do. Change it or I’ll be reported to the office. As a matter of fact I know I work on a plane.
Now in which country am I? All these hotel rooms look similar at the end of the day. I switch on the light. Blackout curtains, a flat screen, a lamp on the bedside table with a complimentary bottle of water. A pencil and a notepad. Not of a great help. My bedroom is the same at home.
If I remembered the flight maybe that could help…the passengers what did they look like? These days you can’t really make a difference between the passengers profile (except for Switzerland! Such nice people!) because they are all the same. Rude, condescending, gross, demanding and attention seeking. I try to remember the landing announcement but I can barely recall which airport the purser announced on the PA. I served a lot of booze yesterday. But that wasnt an Indian flight although a lot of them were of south asian origin. Frittata, gin tonics..thats it, London!
London! Trafalgar Square, Soho, Camden. So many places to see! Only when you’re at an airport hotel, all you get to eat is a tasty Mc Menu to the sound of planes simultaneously taking off as every french fries land in your mouth. The Piccadily Line will take me to the city but with 12 hours to rest I barely have the energy to hop on and off a big bus tour. I better save it for the hop on and off between the galley and the cabin in 11 hours and 59 minutes. Anyway why bother go out, when two flights later I will have already forgotten where was the last city I flew to.
It is truly amazing to be a flight attendant. All that you see but you can hardly remember any of it. Who you are, where you are but most importantly what you are. You forget you are a human being because you are made to forget you exist as a person.
-What was is it you wanted with your whisky already?
-I’ve already told you three ice cubes, a slice of lime and a coke zero.
-Am so sorry. I think im being amnesic.
Whats difficult to remember about a drink order with a full cabin.
-Diet coke you said right?
-No! A coke zero! Whats so difficult to remember about a glass of scotch, 3 ice cubes, a slice of lime and a coke zero???
-Do you want it in that exact order? Silly me, I poured the coke before the lime. I can start all over if you want. A brandy was it?
-Leave it. I’ll just have a glass of water.
Maybe I’m not amnesic. But all that’s I’m left with is playing with your nerves just as much as you do.
-Please enjoy your drink.
Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and loads of sarcasm