The fasten seatbelt is finally off. We get to unbuckle only now while you already undid yours when the plane just left the runway. I can recognise the clink sound of the seatbelts unfastenening from 6 rows with the engines roaring next to me. God (once again) did not hear my prayers to shake the plane a tiny bitsy enough to give you a concussion. Nevermind. I pray harder on the way back.
Now is time for distribution of child games. Airlines have designed little pouches filled with goodies to keep your toddler busy during the flight. Youre so happy to see your well spent money coming back you could almost cry.
But wait until you open the pouch. You thought Christmas was early. Better save those tears of joy for real the christmas.
Here you are: a tacky synthetic zip bag with colourful crayons long enough designed to choke your toddler, 3 sheets of paper to fold into origami designs your kid will never finish because it’s too dumb it choked with the crayons before it saw the paper cuts. Or it cut itself with the paper and died with septicaemia on board. A stuffed plush toy supposed to look like a plane but it resembles a seagull that crashed on the cockpit’s windshield. And playing cards youre hoping to keep for yourself because thats the kind of parent you are.
Your kid did not get one of these ugly pouches. That’s a reason enough to throw a tantrum when your kid is busy playing with its iPad, Leappad, Nintendo, Psp, and other bluetooth paired devices designed to increase its chances of developping ADHD.
If your kid is not on the list it does not exist on the plane. It does not get a pouch and you will get yourself a bunch of crayola yourself if you want it to choke because I’m not performing a CPR on sth which has been eating its boogers during boarding. I saw you filthy scumbag!
If i’m left with some extra I won’t give you a single one or for your child which couldnt make it on the plane for whatever treatment against flight phobia, leukemia, or any disease ending in –ia.
If you’re wondering why you’re 8 year old daughter didn’t get one that’s because with all that makeup and so much skin revealing a bigger cup than mine, you should book an appointment with your gynaecologist for a cervix checkup. She’s clearly not looking for crayons of crayola size by swiping left and right on that tinder app I also saw that at boarding too!
But if you’re so eager to get one of these pouches, wait until the end of the flight. With a bit of luck you can assemble a customised pouch of yours with the pieces scattered here and there. You’ll be missing a club, a spade a diamond and a heart. But you’re a regular flyer. You’ll meet another one of your kind with whom you can exchange your doubles just as you do with the Panini stickers at World Cup. On the next flight I’m sure you’ll find Christmas under an economy seat.
Your dedicated cabin crew with a hint of hospitality and loads of sarcasm.